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18 October 2007 @ 03:07 am
This is great. I'm sick as a dog and I can't go to sleep because there are so many damn things running through my mind right now. Not only that, but no matter how much I cry I don't feel like I've cried enough to feel any kind of relief. What the hell is all this? Have I been bottling up my emotions for so long? I'm so confused right now. So many thoughts I thought were lost forever are rushing back to me as if they've been standing in a queue waiting for the right moment to hit me one right after the other. Almost as if driven by a "You're going down and fast." mantra.

Right now I feel mistrusted so bad. I feel like I just won't make it past this semester. I feel like I'm losing everything I've fought for so far. Friendship doesn't seem to be the same thing I once thought it was. "Friend" has become a word I run a cross so rarely lately that I feel as if almost nobody deserves to be called such a thing by me. Phrases such as "I love you.", "I missed you.", "I trust you.", "I support you." have lost so much meaning to me I feel as if I'm turning into a cynical, bitter person and that's just not me! I'm the one who has always had faith in people no matter how many times they've screwed up. The one who would go out of his way to make someone's day a little bit brighter. The one who would actually believe everyone was worthy of trust and care. That's the me I know, but not the me I feel I am.

People who would tell me they loved me have turned out to be backstabbers. Others have completely forgotten about keeping in contact by pulling off almost perfectly an "Out of sight, out of mind." People who have shamelessly pulled a "Hoes before bros." time and time again. What ever happened to real friendship? Is it just an illusion we like to believe in so we can feel we have someone by our side who will cherish us just as much as we cherish them? In a world with so much deceiving and empty words, is being cynical the key to survival?

I'm so scared of putting my feelings out there. I feel like the person who I have trusted my absolute all no longer trusts me. Not nearly as much as I thought. Not even close. Am I overreacting? Since when is keeping secrets between "best friends" okay? Am I putting too much into the label? 

I'm so sick of lies as well. I'm sick of people talking shit behind my back without me deserving the smallest bit of it. People who are determined to see me bite the dust and swallow it. What have I done to them? I guess it serves me well for always putting others' needs before mine. Will I have to build walls around me so I can determine who cares enough knock them down or at least climb them up? Perhaps a nice armor will work...seems like that is the way to go.
 
 
Current Mood: crappylike shit
 
 
27 June 2007 @ 01:23 am

Not Okay
---------

Lying in bed touching my skin...]
How I wish you weren't sleeping.
If only you opened your eyes
You'd see the thirst on my lips...I'm dying.

Free me from this torture that makes me ill.
Save me from this hell, let's go far away!
Turn around and look at me!
Please ask me "Are you okay?"

No, I am not okay!

I am not okay with me.
I am not okay with you.
I am not okay near you.
I am not okay away from you.

You are both my blessing and my curse.
My life tumbles down a hill called Hope.
Your help truly is my last resort.
I wish you could stop me and take me to safety...take me home!

My hand seems to be able to say what my mouth dares not to speak.
How can a pencil print on a sheet what my voice fears to scream?

Last night I went to sleep with you on my mind...I dreamt of you.
Your warm body laid still was next to mine...it felt so far way.
Your mind was slipping away with each passing minute...did you dream of me?
Will you please turn around and ask me "Are you okay?".

No...I am not okay...

--------------------------------------------
January 11, 2007

 
 
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Rihanna - Umbrella
 
 
29 May 2007 @ 12:27 am

No puedo
--------

No puedo dormir pensando en mi futuro.
Me aterroriza el pensar en lo que me espera.
Tengo miedo de estrellarme contra un muro.
No quiero pensar en el día que me muera.

Es tan difícil saber que algún día todo esto será pasado.
Pero al igual que el viento, todo ha de cambiar.
Me calma el saber que el pasado no se perderá del todo.
Pero no puedo aceptar que en mi futuro no puedas estar.

Toda mi vida pensé ser un depredador detrás de una presa.
Hoy soy yo el que huye del peliro...¡tú me acechas!
Hoy me he dado cuenta que en realidad soy una represa.
Y que ciertas cosas han abierto mis compuertas.

He dejado que mi ser inunde los que me rodean.
Pero he sido yo el que ha terminado bajo la marea.
El dolor, el miedo, y mis inseguridades en mi cabeza voltean.
Pero no puedo parar de pensar en tí...mi odisea.

Cada vez que te veo no dejo de pensar en el futuro.
Hoy que no te veo no dejo de pensar en un pasado amargo.
Jamás pensé que esto pudiera ser así de duro.
Nunca pensé que fueras tú mi asignado verdugo.

No puedo parar de pensar en ti, en mi, en nosotros.
¿Terminaremos unidos o separados?
No puedo parar de pensar en él, en ella, en todos.
¿Acaso iremos por distintos lados?

En muchas cosas creo y en muchas más dudo.
Algunas otras me asustan sin entender por qué.
Pero sólo una sé con certeza...estar sin tí no puedo.
Estar sin tí no puedo, pero aunque no pueda sin tí estaré.

-------------------
May 28, 2007
3:47am

 
 
Current Location: Adjuntas, PR
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Fey - Cielo Líquido
 
 
16 December 2006 @ 12:50 am
Someone please come and save from this forsaken place.

I miss my friends.
I miss my housemates.
I miss being on campus.
I miss having money.
I miss feeling like I belong.
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
 
 
10 December 2006 @ 03:32 pm
I came out to my mother last Friday and it seems like home is no more...not for me.

I'll elaborate later...

*sighs*
 
 
Current Location: My dorm...
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Evanescence - Everybody's Fool
 
 
 
03 November 2006 @ 11:39 pm

I turned 21 yesterday. I feel old! ;__; Do you guys have any idea how much that is in gay years?! XD

 

Anyway. It rocked! Ivy took me to San Marino's (AWESOME italian restaurant) for dinner. When I got there they had planned to have my closest friends there! I was like "How did you get here?!". Of course, me being my clueless blonde self, didn't know that they have been planning the dinner since last week. Hell, they even talked about IN MY FACE on Wednesday and it all went completely over my head. XD I like surprises though, so yay! There was Ivy, Ingrid and Jaime, Alex, Wendy and Kidany. It was very sweet of them to plan that for me. n.n' My birthdays seem to b getting progressively better! I even got a surprise cake at work. Katherine rocks so hard. Too bad today was her last day at the office. I'm going to miss her a lot.

 

I even collected a fair share of presents! I got 8 shirts, two packages of socks, one package of underwear, and a penis-shaped lollipop (thanks to Wendy, Kidany and Alex! XD), a ladybug keychain (Yay Ladybugs!), lots of candy, 2 postcards, a VERY nice bed cover, a music CD, and a Ken doll from Wendy (THAT was priceless lmao!)! And two cakes on top of that. =P

 

I really can’t complain about this year’s birthday. It was so much more than I expected it to be.

 

 

Kudos to:

 

-- Ivy, for being the awesome friend she is. You know I love you with all my heart! <3

 

-- Marycarmen, for being really awesome as well. Especially for spending the night with me, even though she got out of work at 10.pm. Te quiero mi amoooooooooor!

 

-- Ingrid Noeli, for always looking out for me. Lots of <3 for you!

 

-- Alex, for being a better guy than I thought he was. I love you, man, I really do! ^_^

 

-- Kidany, for always taking care of me. Even though you can get on my nerves you know I <3 you!

 

-- Wendy, for being my link to the crazy world of randomness! Never thought I’d like you so much. You rock my socks, girl!

 

-- Katherine, for being an awesome co-worker and for planning the surprise party at the office, if we can call it that! =P. I’m going to miss you so much. :(

 

-- Carmen & Ingrid Nicole , for never forgetting about me even though we only see each other once every six months or so. You mean a lot to me. <3

 

-- Mary & The Gang. Thanks for the surprise party at home and all the laughs! We make each other crack up in a way that borders or mental illness. XD

 

One big “You SUCK.” to:

 

-- Benjamin, for not going. (Even though it was Kidany's fault. Still love you, Benji. n.n)
-- Juan & Laurie, for not giving two shits about it.
-- All those of you who claim I’m important to you but didn’t even bother to call to wish me a happy birthday, even though you said you would.. Not even the day after.



 I'll update you guys tomorrow on my graceful fall I had on campus last week. XD

 

 
 
Current Mood: goodgood
Current Music: Natasha Bedingfield - We're All Mad
 
 
13 October 2006 @ 02:24 pm
Friday at last! *does a happy dance* I got paid today. have only 30 more minutes until I'm free from work and I think I'm getting my physics grade from Tuesday's exam (which I SO know I rocked)! Yay! This has been one fun week and I sooooooo needed it. n.n

I went out with Marycarmen and a lot of her friends on Wednesday night. We literally danced until it hurt. We had such a blast. Partying from 9pm to 3am, oh how I missed you! We would've done more, but Marycarmen started work the following day (technically the same day) at 8am, so we had to call it a night. Yesterday we went to the beach after Marycarmen got off from work. It was fun too! We went to the beach at around 3:30. I woke up at 1:00 to Marycarmen pounding on my door so I could get up. I skipped breakfast and went straight to lunch because, you know, it was 1:00pm. We chatted afor a bit and headed to the beach. We took lots of pictures and somehow eneded up, as always, talking about buttsex. =P
 
 
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: The Pussycat Dolls - I Don't Need A Man
 
 
10 October 2006 @ 05:33 pm
I forgot that today was my mom's birthday! :'(

If it wasn't for her calling me wondering why I hadn't called her to wish her a happy dirthday I wouldn't have realized that today is October 10th! I don't know what world I live in anymore. I blame it all on today's physics exam. That damn thing sucked me dry of all knowledge and awareness. ;__;

Happy Birhday, Mom! LOVE YA!
 
 
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: Natasha Bedingfield - If You're Gonna
 
 
16 September 2006 @ 12:54 pm

Long time no post, eh? 

Just when i was getting back into posting a lot school comes up and ruins everything. =\ I have been busy as hell. Busy enough not to be able to see Benjamin in a week. :( I miss him, dammit. >_< It's bad when you don't even have time to have lunch with your friends . If it wasn't for the fact that Marycarmen and I take Circuits class together, I don't think we would've seen each other this week at all. Oh well. *sighs*

I'm so glad the weekend is here! No stress for 36 hours! XP This past week I got screwed over by my Calculus 3 exam and make up test for Statistics and Probabilities. u.u To make things worse I have 3 exams next week and two more the following one. The only good side to that is that i can use them as an excuse to stay the weekends at Mayagüez and be able to spend some time with my friends. Studying is very important, but friends are too. Yay friends!

Speaking of friends, I don't think I've ever felt surrounded by as many real friends as I am right now. The only friend I knew I could count on for anything was Ivy. Now that I've come out to other friends like Marycarmen, Ingrid, Kidany (new housemate), and Wendy, I feel like everything is so much easier. It's so much easier to be around them after letting them know I'm gay. I used to be quiet about my sexuality, but now I really don't care anymore. I was never one to say I'm gay, but if I'm asked I tell. Now I pretty much put it out there. I figured that if I want to be happy with someone else I need to be happy with myself first. Yeah. SHOCKER! :P I'm working on it, and I'm happy with how it's turning out to be. Now I have to work on telling my mom. I'm sure she knows as she's been making question regarding Benjamin (I bet my ass she thinks we are dating) and not the kind of questions she'd ask about other friends. >.>

Typing this up made me hungry. @.@ Time for lunch! 

 
 
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: Justin Timberlake - SexyBack
 
 
10 August 2006 @ 12:36 am

Today I embarked on a new journey. My fourth year of college studies. As the years have passed I have been less excited and more indifferent towards the first day of class of the new school year. This year was no exception. I can summarize it in one word: blah. My first class was Calculus !!! and it was so hot my pores were screaming for mercy. Then the power went out and it was one big sauna...without the towels. I didn't have my second class (Circuits !) because the professor didn't show up. I'm not really complaining about this because this professor is known to be pretty much like Dolores Umbridge (yes, he's that damn awful). I wasted a whole hour for Probabilities and Statistics and headed for lunch and a nice nap, which was interrupted by the fact that I still had to take Physics II. Another wasted hour because the professor, being Polish, decided to give us a lesson on Poland's history. How the hell did we go from electrically charged particles to the Poland of 1226? Your guess is as good as mine.

 
 
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: Mandy Moore - Crush